Re: Testing Bonds (ATTN: Trifali/Andreya)
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When Trifali said she wanted to hear, Andreya gave a small nod of her head which then froze when her sister mentioned hearing things through the rumor grapevine that made her uncertain. The idea that Trifali's opinion of her could be twisted up and uncertain just from some horrid rumors made Andreya frown slightly, but she kept listening. As Trifali asked her to go first, Andreya nodded again as she also straightened up just a bit more (although she was already sitting straight and properly poised) in her seat.
Taking a breath, Andreya looked at her sister saying first, a bit hesitatingly "I'm...I'm sorry that whatever rumors are going around made you feel unsure. I don't know what's been said about me...I learned turns ago, from...a very bad experience, just how *cruel* rumors can be about people and stopped listening to the rumor mill because of it. I hope that hearing the truth from me helps and clears things up a bit for you."
With that, Andreya took a breath and settled herself into explaining while at the same time hoping that her explanation didn't make things worse between her and Trifali.
"Well, to start with I should explain that before finding out that T'rif was my dad, I've always worked hard for what I want, something I've always seen my mom do actually. I fell in love with singing, so I worked hard with the extra lessons as a kid before joining the Harper Haven, and at the Haven I kept on with that hard work. I didn't want to get where I was because I was 'cute', or because of some talent others thought I had, I wanted to prove to myself that it was *me* getting myself there and excelling...if that makes sense."
"And then, at finding out that T'rif was my dad and through him that I was related to Kassia...It's been hard because I've always prided myself on doing things myself, and now because of who I'm suddenly related to it seems like my own personal effort would get overlooked. Shells, when T'rif gave me Colzar's egg it was hard enough for him to convince me to accept the egg as a gift, I didn't want to be seen as taking advantage of suddenly having an ACM as a father. And then not more than a sevenday after that getting offered to be Kassia's runner-assistant, a position that I'm sure so many other gold-hopefuls would have pushed me down the stairs to get. I love helping Kassia, don't get me wrong, but I felt a little bad getting the offer when I'd not even been a candidate for a year, and knowing the offer was prompted by our family connection."
"When Kassia first approached me and let me know that Foreth was going to allow me, you, and Kassia's daughters to see the eggs before any of the other gold-hopefuls I was ecstatic at the opportunity. When talking with Kassia then, I had no thoughts about declining the invitation. But...I will admit that even then, with that offer, I felt a twinge of guilt at the offer itself. At the idea that purely based on the fact that I was related to Kassia that I was going to get to see the eggs before any of the other, not related, gold-hopefuls who'd been candidates so much longer than me."
"Now, maybe I should just accept that because of our family connection that we get...unique and special opportunities that aren't offered to others. That I should just count myself lucky to get these special opportunities and accept them despite feeling like I wasn't worthy of those opportunities because I hadn't actually earned them myself. That what I told myself when getting offered to assist Kassia, that I should accept that I'm lucky and accept the position, and I'm glad I did as being able to assist Kassia has been amazing and I've learned so much...But there were other things going through my head that prevented me from doing the same thing regarding the eggs."
"In those days between talking to Kassia and when she called us to see the eggs very early, I had a lot of time to think...and I probably over thought things quite a bit, but once the thoughts were there I just couldn't get rid of them. It was...bad either way. If I declined, I'd not only risk greatly offending Kassia and Forenth, but also not be able to assist her again until being able to see the eggs with everyone else. If I accepted, then there'd be not just the unfairness toward the rest of the gold-hopefuls for the opportunity given because of being related, but also their anger and burning any bridges and connections I'd made, which could be disastrous if one of those girls I'd angered happened to impress one of the golds."
"But beyond those thoughts, was the idea that seeing the eggs early can influence the Impression. Kassia mentioned it in the gold hopeful lecture, when someone asked her about saying we shouldn't Stand if we didn't want gold. She said that if you don't want to Stand that your chances of seeing the eggs are limited, and they don't even touch the eggs, because there's a link between egg seeing and touching to finding lifemates. She even mentioned it that day, as we met to see the eggs, that any contact with the egg can increase our chances of Impressing."
"Over those few days, I realized that if I accepted and saw the eggs before the other gold-hopefuls, and if I *actually* Impressed to either of the golds like I very much hope to, that I'd always wonder if I Impressed because *I* was worthy or if it was because of having had the opportunity to see the eggs early due to family connection causing me to influence or sway the Impression in my favor. From Kassia's gold lecture and her warning of all the difficulties there can be from impressing gold, especially if you don't feel like you're worthy of gold, I realized that with that possibility out there of influencing the impression by seeing the eggs early that *I* would then feel unworthy of gold if I impressed after accepting her offer."
"So, at risk of greatly offending Kassia and Foreth, I declined...I declined so that I could be absolutely certain without a *hint* of self-doubt that should I impress gold that it's because *I* was worthy on my own and not because of family connection or any influence that had somehow 'stolen' the gold from who she might have been supposed to impress to. I declined so that if I do impress, that I feel worthy and hopefully don't struggle with that Impression or have any issues bonding with my possible lifemate. I declined...because I want to be the best lifemate possible I can be."
"I know it probably seems like I overthought things, and I very well might have, but I hope...I hope that explains everything for you and that my decision makes sense..."
As Andreya finished, she took a breath and watched Trifali's face hoping to get a sign before the other girl even spoke on how her sister was feeling about her explanation, hoping she didn't piss her sister off with her any more than she might be already.
On Fri, Aug 21, 2020 at 2:48 AM Jessica Freise <loriendarenya@...> wrote: