Re: We Have to Stick Together (Ay'shen/Ambrelli)


She looked at him sadly.  She understood that feeling of not deserving people, of not feeling worthy of anyone else.  She tended to hide behind the masks she wore, but deep down at her core, she felt exactly the same way.  Ambrelli could see that her and Ay'shen were two sides of the same coin.  She dressed up her pain and guilt a little better, pretended as if all was well and hid behind her professionalism in her Craft, but you could paint a wherry gold and it still wouldn't be a dragon.  Ay'shen just lived more openly with his than she did.  Others might tell him he needed to try harder, to just put on a smile and try, but not her.  That was her approach, and where had it gotten her?  An empty weyr filled with the ghosts of her dead family and nightmares that kept her awake at night.  Her life was no better than his and she knew it.

"I'm starting to realize that I can't expect forgiveness of others until I forgive myself.  And unfortunately, I seem to be stuck at that step in the process," she said ruefully.  She sighed a bit at his question.  "I have my Craft, and, like your wingmates, they haven't staked me.  But I think that's partially because I'm good at what I do and I'm driven to try to prove myself in the only way that's always mattered to me, saving dragons.  I dunno, maybe I think if they see how dedicated at it I am they will understand my choices more.  But actual friends here," she shook her head no.  "At Igen, there were a couple of us," she named a couple blue and greenriders he might have known.  "They were good people, a few having never been Resistance either, that like us, just got caught in the swell of the tide.  It was less lonely being with them..."

She looked at him again, her eyes calmer now.  "I think when I saw you, I'd hoped that I could finally meet someone here who could both know me and not hate me at the same time.  Because right now, I feel like those are the only options with everyone else."

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