Re: The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had. (Tyne/R'zzon)

Laurie
 

R'zzon frowned. That didn't sound right, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it. "So there were two golds at the Healer Hall?" he asked.  "Why would anyone want two golds close to rising there?"

On Mon, Aug 13, 2018 at 6:04 AM Nutmeg <nutmeg.witch@...> wrote:
He still didn't understand. Not that she blamed him. Even in her current state, there was a bit of her that calmly understood that the skewed logic only made sense to her. But there was still something she needed to say.

"But she did know.... it was Jenis," she hissed in alarm. Somewhere, she realised that this was one of the first times she had voiced this aloud. "She was the gold that Ista wanted to take Fort. But she was so young..." So very young and sweet, with her whole life ahead of her. Tyne didn't even know if she was still alive. "So we decided that I would do it instead."

On Sun, Jul 29, 2018 at 4:36 PM Laurie <Laurie.Lynne@...> wrote:
"All that was planned was that Myrandith was going to take back Fort.  So what if it would have been under Arolosian control?  Fort leadership certainly wasn't doing it any good."  He almost sounded bitter about that.  "No, what you did, what you wanted to do, had nothing to do with Myrandith's," he tried not to choke on the next words. Talking about dragons going *between* was not something any rider liked to talk about. "Myrandith's death.  It was circumstance, pure and simple.  How were you to know that another gold would be close by? Another gold who didn't know about an upcoming Flight."

He didn't say that this wasn't the first goldflight to end in tragedy like this.  Sometimes they could be saved, but golds were too strong willed; interrupted flights often ended in tragedy.

"We can't," he was going to say 'go back and change the past' but that wasn't something he wanted to even begin to get into, "you can't keep on blaming yourself."  There was nothing else he could say to make this better. Because, it would never be better.

On Fri, Jul 6, 2018 at 4:39 AM Nutmeg <nutmeg.witch@...> wrote:
How did you put it into words? How did you explain that wrenching despair that even now, made every breath feel as though someone had embedded nails into her heart?

"Be-cause-it-was-all-planned...." She stammered through hitching breaths. Every syllable was heavy and pronounced and the fat tears continued streaking down her cheeks. Tyne had never told anyone what had been decided at the Conclave that now felt as though it had been over a million turns ago. She remembered Jenis. Remembered thinking that the child, and she had been just a child - was clearly a pawn.

"We-were-doing-it-to.... to...." Tyne didn't even want to say it, the words sticking in her throat like a thick lump of cold gravy. ".... To claim Fort once and for all." The words whooshed out of her like wine from a skewered bladder.

On Wed, Feb 7, 2018 at 12:14 AM Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

"How could it be your fault?" R'zzon asked, still cradling her.  He was fuzzy on what had happened that day.  Myrandith had risen, and so had another gold.  The gold had belonged to .... and a bronze had been involved, too.

"From what I remember - and I wasn't there, and I only heard about it third hand, Myrandith rose, and then another gold who wasn't supposed to be there rose also.  I think.  I'm not sure how that happened, because it had been planned so you could be Weyrwoman of Fort.  But Myrandith was not at fault.  You were not at fault." He didn't want to sound trite, but these things happened.  He'd even seen them happen with over-territorial greens.

"So tell me - why would you think it's your fault?"

On Wed, Jan 24, 2018 at 11:09 AM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

His arms felt so good, so safe and warm. It had been such a long time since such normal comforts had been within her world and that fact almost made her want to cry again. Almost. But not quite. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath, grounding herself in the way that one of the Mindhealers at High Reaches had been teaching her. Okay. She was back. In the now. What he said surprised her though into realisation. He was absolutely right. And it had never occurred to her before today. "I never thought about it like that, I thought so much of it was because... of what Myrandith was." A gold. A mother. And a huge loss to all of Pern. Far less of a crime than bravely dying in the tumultuous throes of Fall.

"I thought they blamed me, that they thought it was my fault for losing her." She didn't know where the words came from, but even as she said it she was starting to break down again, the tears starting to roll thickly down her cheeks once more and she covered her face with her hands. "I thought.... I thought..." she stammered, trying to get the words out. ".... I was scared they thought I deserved it....." The words rushed out, as though they had been buried within the most infected of abscess and now that the putrid core had been lanced, the foul muck inside could finally start to be cleaned out.

On Tue, Jan 23, 2018 at 1:28 AM, Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

"It's not something you should have to endure alone," R'zzon said fiercely, holding her tighter.  "No one understands the pain you go through every day.  Riders are afraid of you because they don't want to be like you.  But," he stroked her hair, "we should be helping you.  Because we're the only ones who could understand what it could be like."  He hated bringing up such a sore subject, but he, too, had to say it.  "Don't ever be afraid to need me," he added, looking at Bobbin while he said it...

On Sat, Jan 20, 2018 at 8:14 AM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

It was oddly comforting to see him look at least a little awkward. Had he been entirely complacent about the matter, it would have felt.... wrong. Smudging the tears from her face, she gave a couple of wet sniffs. It was strangely reassuring to be enveloped in strong warmth.. It was a sensation she hadn't felt in quite some time and she was loathe to lose it any time soon. It was different to the comfort that Idri gave her, that was laced with the same feelings she had had whenever her mother had soothed her. 

The storm inside was quieting and calm was reasserting itself. Bobbin knew, so did Cairn and they loosed their hold on her. It was Bobbin who issued the command for the others to leave, puffing herself up and whistling with authority that could only ever come from a gold. One by one, the others began to leave, however, several still lingered, curious about the strange compelling that had brought them here and they lurked in the rafters, watching the group below them..

"Bobbin always knows," Tyne said, fondly rubbing the gold's head. Crooning gently, Bobbin pressed herself into Tyne's fingers. "I'm sorry she woke you, she would only have done that if we couldn't find Idri." She felt guilty and it showed through the need to explain, to justify. That and the worried expression on her face.. She was so transparent now, every feeling displayed as easily as the biggest writing on a page. " Thank Panagath for me, he must be squished up out there. I don't think we have decent sized ledges on this side of the Weyr. I'm sorry I worried you both. It's... not something you should have had to see..." There, she'd said it. But she felt as though she had needed to.

On Sat, Jan 13, 2018 at 1:42 AM, Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@yahoogroups..com> wrote:
 

R'zzon reddened a little himself.  He had witnessed something private; something that he knew she wasn't ready for him to see yet.  If ever.  No one wanted to be seen as that vulnerable to just anyone.  At the same time, he had also seen something wonderful.  The firelizards.  So many of them.  Trying to take the place of her queen.  He didn't know anything like that was possible, but he didn't know anyone who could speak to or compell firelizards, either.

"Panagath's outside," he answered first, then realized what she was really asking..  "Bobbin.  Bobbin came and woke me up.  She told us you needed us, so we came."  He squeezed her lightly in a hug.  "Pan wanted to help, too," he added..  "So he stayed outside in case you needed him."

On Thu, Jan 11, 2018 at 7:22 PM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

It took a minute, several in fact before she spoke again. Her eyes were red rimmed and her cheeks streaked heavily with tears. Snuffling for a minute, she brushed at her cheeks with the heels of her hands, looking in that moment incredibly small and fragile. Buoyed by the sea of colour that filled her mind, she drifted back towards the proverbial light of normality. Obviously picking up on the calm, the firelizards surrounding them began to quiet although many of them kept up a strange, thrumming tune. There was an eerie stillness to the room now and even the wind seemed to have died down. Bobbin and Cairn unravelled themselves from her arms and scuttled to nestle themselves in her furs. They obviously no longer felt the need to retain physical contact but it was obvious they weren't going to go far any time soon.

"I'm here," she said finally, looking up at R'zzon. As the cloud of panic began to lift, it was being quickly replaced by the fog of shame and it showed on her face as she hastily looked away. He had witnessed something very private, something that a large part of her hoped that only Idri would ever be the one to bear witness to and she felt guilty that he had had to see that part of her, that part which had probably instilled a fear deep inside him.. "How did you get here?" Clearly she didn't know, or perhaps remember Bobbin's rescue mission.

On Mon, Jan 8, 2018 at 1:45 AM, Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

The first couple of firelizards which broke *between* and landed in the rafters startled R'zzon, but he kept holding and rocking Tyne.  She wasn't struggling, or taking any action to get away from him, so he assumed that holding her was helping.  And then the firelizards started coming.  

After the first seven or eight, he stopped counting, instead staring around him at the glowing eyes fixed on Tyne.

[[Pan?]]

{{She talks to the little cousins.  All of them.}}  To his credit, Panagath also sounded somewhat amazed.  {{And they help to fill her empty.}}

R'zzon nodded, and stroked Tyne's hair.  Stroking hair was supposed to be calming, and she seemed calmer, though whether that was because of his ministrations or the symphony of firelizards he didn't know.  

"Tyne, are you there?" he said softly, not even caring if he could be heard over the firelizard lullaby in the background.

On Sat, Jan 6, 2018 at 11:27 AM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@gmail..com [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

How long had it been now? More than months. Already it was creeping into turns but the pain, oh shells that pain. On nights like tonight it felt as raw as it did the very first moment Myrandith vanished into that icy darkness. Somewhere in the chaos, the solemn thought reminded her that this was her life now.. Gone was the golden age. This... was it. Wrapped in R'zzon's arms, the warmth, the familiar scent, the strength, all of it began to permeate into the madness like shining tendrils of light cutting through the dark and leaving illuminating trails as they went. They were something to cling to and cling she did, clutching at his shirt and holding on for grim death. Ironically, though even though she would never know it, were Myrandith still there, R'zzon's thoughts were absolutely right. She wouldn't have spared him the time of day, refusing to become the thing that she had so scorned her half-brother for. But for never knowing that, things would inherently... be better.. 

So, what mattered in the broken bubble was that he *was* there, a proverbial rock in her stormy sea. An anchor.

His words were starting to creep through, skittering around the edges of sorrow. Bobbin. Cairn. Beyond the space that was still in the shape of her lost gold, Tyne remembered that there were other spaces, filled with other personalities. It was apparent when she reached out for them as Bobbin and Cairn's mournful arias suddenly ceased and they quickly scampered to her, pushing their heads against her arms with warbles that seemed to say "we're here too, we're here".

But theirs weren't the only voices that started to chime in. Icy blasts of air could be felt  spiking through the air and pairs of glowing eyes could be seen in the darkness of the rafters. Others were answering the call, the longing that radiated from Tyne and called even when she didn't realise she was calling. They didn't understand why they were drawn to it, they didn't understand how a human could speak to them like that. But, they answered.

The chorus of voices began as a low, humming of sound that made the air vibrate and thrummed with a growing crescendo as more came, their numbers swelling into dozens, if not more as they filled the rafters.. They were there. She had called. They had answered. Their song grew, smothering the despairing wail of the wind into a glorious aria of sound that was sure to make most Harpers beam with pride. And, perhaps most importantly, their voices continued to fill Tyne's blackness, tiny patches of colour and emotion that spread through Myrandith's shade and the heaving sobs calmed into a snuffling whimper and then, gradually, shuddering breaths, the kind that came out of sheer, cried out exhaustion.

"Thank you for coming," she whispered finally, but it wasn't clear whether she was talking to R'zzon, Panagath, the firelizards that filled the rafters... or all of them at the same time.



On 5 Jan 2018 1:39 pm, "Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr]" <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

How did you tell someone that their dragon was gone?  Someone who'd been without their dragon for more than a Turn?  He didn't want to tell her; he didn't want to be the cause of more fracture.........

But she had to be told.  She knew; she had just momentarily forgotten.  "She's gone," R'zzon said sadly, his voice cracking with emotion.  Just because it wasn't Panagath didn't mean he couldn't care about it.  "Remember?  She's been gone for," he didn't know exactly how long it was though, "...she's been gone for months now.  I wish she wasn't.  I wish I could help you find her.  I want her back almost as much as you do.."  Even though, if Myrandith was here, Tyne would never spare a second glance in his direction.  But to lose a part of yourself - he couldn't not wish her whole.

Briefly he thought about asking Panagath to talk to her, but even at the almost imperceptible thought, Pan caught on and rejected it outright..  {{Wrong,}} he said forcefully.  {{It would be wrong..}}

"Bobbin and Cairn are here," he said softly..  "Bobbin's worried.  You don't want Bobbin to be worried, do you?"

On Thu, Jan 4, 2018 at 5:50 PM, Nutmeg nutmeg..witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

Locked in a miasma between sleeping and waking, Tyne couldn't discern enough between either state to clarify just what was happening. She was overwhelmed by the chaotic pit of loss that gnawed inside of her. A sliver of her tried to bring it back together but the faint voice of reason was drowned out by the desperate reaching that was beyond her control. She didn't hear R'zzon come in. She didn't see him burst into her sleeping quarters. She didn't feel him kneel on the furs beside her. At first, she didn't comprehend the warmth that suddenly wrapped around her, the strong and reassuring pressure, Ironically, it was the smell that hit her first. Soapy, clean but tainted with oil and dragon hide. Between the juddering sobs that wracked her as viciously as though the very breaths were being sucked out of her, she inhaled deeply, and then again. Her eyes flying open, there was a wild desperation to them as Tyne clutched at her chest. Her heart felt like it would burst with aching.

"I.... can't.... find... her......" she managed to gasp between gulping sobs. "It's...empty....... nothing... I can't.... stop..... reaching...." Her head felt as though it was spinning round and round in dizzying circles. If she were to draw it, she would draw many hands, all of them clutching at everything and nothing all at once. It was how she felt, like she were constantly reaching out for something and finding.... nothing. 

On Thu, Jan 4, 2018 at 1:37 AM, Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

Panagath landed as close to Tyne's weyr as he possibly could, and R'zzon wasted no time sliding off of him.

{{Want me to stay here?}} the blue asked.

[[Yes. I'll let you know when you can go.]]  R'zzon wasn't sure what, exactly, to expect, but he figured it would be bad.  He'd noticed that Tyne's mind was sort of fractured, which was understandable as she was dragonless..  How he could help, he didn't know, but he was going to try.

Weyr doors weren't made to keep people out, and Tyne's was no exception.  He was easily able to enter, and winced at the despairing wails.  And being a man, he did the only thing he knew how to do - he went over to her, wrapping his arms around her and held her - for as long as he could.

"Shhhhh," he said softly.  Then, "Shhhh," again, as he had no clue what else to say.

On Tue, Jan 2, 2018 at 10:02 PM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

Chittering anxiously, her eyes whirling pools of yellow, tinged with flecks of white, Bobbin fidgeted on the chair as she watched R'zzon. No sooner as he was starting to mount his blue, she was ready to go again. Flaring her wings, every muscle quivering with anticipation, she relayed to Panagath that she would meet them there. And like that, she was gone.

Errupting back into Tyne's room in a blast of between, things had gone from bad to worse. Somewhere along the way, Tyne's consciousness had forced her out of her dreams and dragged her mercilessly back into the land of the waking. The wind still howled it's melancholy wail all around them but the guttural howl rolling from Tyne's heaving chest dwarfed it. Sitting up in her bed, legs pulled up in front of her and her arms wrapped around her head, it looked like she were trying to shield herself from something, anything. In a macabre way, that was exactly what she was doing. Disorientated from sleep and terrified by her dreams, coming back into the "real world" to the wailing wind that her confused mind, in that moment, told her was the despairing howl of mourning dragons. And as the wind refused to relent, she was trapped in a circling delusion that today was.. that day. Her heart felt like it would burst with it's sorrow and she felt her mind clawing frantically into the void-like abyss that was still filled with the shade of Myrandith. Howling like a gravely wounded animal, Bobbin was nervous, scampering to the rafters where Cairn came to join her, huddling close as both flits warbled in terrified refrain.

OoC: Maybe have Panagath land on a neighbouring wallow or something? Tyne wouldn't have a weyr ledge of her own any more. Feel free to have R'zzon come kick the door down xD


On Wed, Jan 3, 2018 at 12:11 AM, Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

​If Bobbin had been a gold *dragon* instead of a gold *firelizard*, Panagath may have been scared enough to be forced *between* from the images Bobbin sent him.  Luckily, he was able to lean on R'zzon to filter the images, and let R'zzon take the brunt of the aching loss.

"Oh, oh.  I see," R'zzon said soberly to Bobbin.  "I will do my best to help her.  Panagath, how are you doing?"

{{The little cousin's images are frightful,}} Panagath said, sounding almost scared.  {{You need to help the sad one.}}

"I plan to.  Are you ready to go?"  He looked over at Bobbin.  "Are we meeting you there, or do you want a ride?" he asked as he mounted.

On Tue, Jan 2, 2018 at 6:07 AM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

But Bobbin didn't stop and her whistles only rose in their urgency. There was an anger there that could only be interpreted as 'you have to do this, or else'. It was only at Panagath's urging as R'zzon fell out of bed and tried to dress that a sliver of sense settled over the gold and she stopped berating him, settling on the back of a nearby chair. She thrummed with urgency, her whole form vibrating as though she were a mere breath away from vanishing again, which in reality, she was. The blue's urgings gave her something to focus on and all she could do was project a sliver of the momentous, aching loss that was resonating inside of her mistress who was still trapped inside of her own dreams, plunging through the frigid air surrounded by the sound of mourning dragons.

Luckily, as a gold, and smarter than many of her peers, there was something else Bobbin could share and that was flashes of the dream that had spiralled through Tyne's mind. She gave these to Panagath, sharing with the blue Tyne's sensation of flying, the sensation of knowing that Myrandith was there again. Bobbin remembered the other gold through Tyne and even the small cousin had felt the loss keenly, having been driven into the wilds by the schism it had caused in Tyne.

So she shared this with Panagath, interspersed with her own fleeting images of Tyne asleep in her bed. Tangled up in all of this was the pressing need that someone, anyone, needed to come and help.

On Tue, Jan 2, 2018 at 12:19 AM, Laurie Hicks Laurie.Lynne@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

"What...who...stop it,"  R'zzon pulled his covers over his head, only to have them snatched away again.  A wayward claw accidentally scratched his cheek, bringing him awake.

"What's going on here?" he asked again, only hearing the whistles and not knowing what they were.

{{It's the sad-one's golden little,}} said Panagath, his voice going from sleepy to awake within seconds.  {{The sad-one is...in distress?}}  He turned his attention to Bobbin as R'zzon flipped open his glow basket.

"Tyne?  What's wrong with Tyne?" he asked Bobbin while dressing.  "Pan, try making some sense out of this," he asked, then turned to Bobbin when he couldn't get his shirt on.  "You're not making this any easier."

{{I'm trying, I'm trying,}} the blue said, attempting to quiet the firelizard down.  {{Golds are always so difficult!}}

On Sat, Dec 30, 2017 at 2:22 PM, Nutmeg nutmeg.witch@... [ArolosWeyr] <ArolosWeyr@...> wrote:
 

OoC: Set in current measles outbreak and the night before the windy threadfall.

IC: In later days to come, she would regret telling Idri that it was okay to offer her help down in the Infirmary. But at the time, everything had seemed just fine. Normal even. When rationality came back to the forefront she would remember that normal didn't exist any more. 

It had started with the dreams. The familiar dreams that made her heart ache and cry out in desperation for that missing piece of her that was now forever just out of reach. She dreamt she was flying with... no... not with, *as* Myrandith. She could see the familiar turrets of the mountains surrounding High Reaches, below her, their peaks capped with snow. She felt the familiar muscles pull and stretch and could hear the mighty beating of wings and the rush of wind around her.

Outside of Tyne's sleeping mind, as she began to writhe and flex in her furs, the wind was already picking up. Unattended baskets crashed over and as the gale picked up, it began a mournful dirge through the tunnels, whistling and wailing in a depressing crescendo.

Through the cold air she continued to fly, feeling the exhilaration building in her veins. But something was wrong. Something wasn't right. The air felt.... different. Furiously she tried to fly faster but suddenly it felt as though she were swimming through treacle. And all around her, she could hear the dragons begin to keen.

Someone had died.

No,

Not someone.

Her.

And just like that, the wings vanished and the air rushed past as she began to fall. And somewhere in the depths of her dream she realised that she was the one screaming.

*

Bobbin had bristled uncomfortably the moment she felt Tyne's sleeping mind take that familiar dark twist. Aaru had been awake the moment she felt Bobbin stir and Cairn instinctively wrapped himself tighter around Tyne's arm, clinging on desperately. The gold was awake and alert in seconds. Smart as she was, someone had to make a decision. Cairn was instructed to remain. Aaaru to find Drummer and, if possible, Idri and she, she was going to find help. Quick as a flash the firelizard had vanished into Between and materialised seconds later over the head of a sleeping Rider and began beating at them with her wings, accompanied with loud whistles that were permeated with urgency. 

--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!





--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!





--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!





--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!







--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM..

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!





--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!





--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!


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Posted by: Laurie Hicks <laurie.lynne@...>
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--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!


--
Nutmeg on the Wizzy.
Florcott on AIM.

I'm sometimes slow and have the memory of a sieve at times, so don't hesitate to poke me if you think you've been forgotten!

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